Depression sucks…

One of the side effects of cancer treatment is depression.  Frankly, I don’t think I can blame my mood on that.  Not having to use half of day going through treatment has provided more “think time.”  My thoughts have ranged from “I’m going to start getting my act together now” to “I’m going to die so why worry about it.”  Probably if I had been told anything about my chance of recovery, I would go on with plans and dreams.  I was told that radiation effectiveness wouldn’t be known for at least 3 months after a cystoscopy.  My Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Song, at least gave me this much information issued the ordered for what he needs.  OK, I jokingly said, “Well, at least he thinks I will live 3 months.”  Then it hit me that it really should have been “I have 3 months to live.”  Sort of takes any plans off the table.

I find it hard to get motivated this week.  Why clean the apartment when nobody visits?  Why start a new craft project when it won’t get finished anyway?  Why go to the cycle shop to learn about e-bikes when you can’t afford one?  Why update your resume when you can’t go back to work? Why get your hair cut, nails done, order MTA passes? And it goes on and on…


This funk is just not me.  I may get down but it doesn’t last very long because I cry it out and something/someone takes my mind off whatever caused the blues.  Not this time. Somehow waiting for your own demise is not the same.

It doesn’t help what when you live on a small fixed income at this time of month you’ve run out of cash so shopping or going to the local Cheers can’t be a solution or diversion to affectuate mood change.  I can’t go to a baseball game Wednesday that some friends invited me to since I can’t walk. Etc, etc, etc…

I know this mood will pass, but it is intense right now.

I am only sharing this as an example of an unexpected side effect of cancer diagnosis and treatment.



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