Through the kindness of strangers…

I’m still in a funk but recovering.  I am starting to feel like a rational human being.  I will return to normalcy – really!  I’m not sure which is worse: severe depression or self-pity (or maybe they’re one and the same).

I am blessed to have the support of “friends” I haven’t seen in 50 years, 30 years and even last month.  Great encouragement and in some cases, ass kicking.  But what really made me implement the butt kicking happened this morning at the laundromat.  Not exactly the classiest place to be, but when you run out of undies there are binary choices. Only one option is the least bit appealing.  Hence the reference to “strangers.”

So I managed to get my act together (not to mention I had already scheduled the Mobility Bus) to go to the laundromat.  This took some doing.  I was at the change machine in the laundromat and one of the quarters it was dispensing fell on the floor.  I knew it but continued collecting the change.  I was going to pick up the one that dropped but before I could get to it, a total stranger reached down, picked it up and handed it to me.  He even gave me nice smile.  My first thought was “do I look that bad” but then I realized this gentleman was just being that, a gentleman.  Honestly, he looked like he didn’t have very much, but he had kindness.

As I’m going about the miserable task of laundry, I dawned on me – you still have so much, maybe not is worldly things but intangibles.  My little inner voice told be to “quit being a needy brat”  “You have people who care; so quit abusing them  and just be grateful.”

So I decided I needed to be a Big Girl, remember that this manic depression is caused by cancer treatment and live what life I may or may not have.

Thank you all (or y’all) & let me know when you have grown tired of me – I will shortly be back to my sarcastic self.  It’s sure easier to be on the giving end of kindness than being embarrassed by being on the needy end.  Thanks for the support.






Depression sucks…

One of the side effects of cancer treatment is depression.  Frankly, I don’t think I can blame my mood on that.  Not having to use half of day going through treatment has provided more “think time.”  My thoughts have ranged from “I’m going to start getting my act together now” to “I’m going to die so why worry about it.”  Probably if I had been told anything about my chance of recovery, I would go on with plans and dreams.  I was told that radiation effectiveness wouldn’t be known for at least 3 months after a cystoscopy.  My Radiation Oncologist, Dr. Song, at least gave me this much information issued the ordered for what he needs.  OK, I jokingly said, “Well, at least he thinks I will live 3 months.”  Then it hit me that it really should have been “I have 3 months to live.”  Sort of takes any plans off the table.

I find it hard to get motivated this week.  Why clean the apartment when nobody visits?  Why start a new craft project when it won’t get finished anyway?  Why go to the cycle shop to learn about e-bikes when you can’t afford one?  Why update your resume when you can’t go back to work? Why get your hair cut, nails done, order MTA passes? And it goes on and on…


This funk is just not me.  I may get down but it doesn’t last very long because I cry it out and something/someone takes my mind off whatever caused the blues.  Not this time. Somehow waiting for your own demise is not the same.

It doesn’t help what when you live on a small fixed income at this time of month you’ve run out of cash so shopping or going to the local Cheers can’t be a solution or diversion to affectuate mood change.  I can’t go to a baseball game Wednesday that some friends invited me to since I can’t walk. Etc, etc, etc…

I know this mood will pass, but it is intense right now.

I am only sharing this as an example of an unexpected side effect of cancer diagnosis and treatment.


Frustration – Grouchy Friday


image001.pngThis was a very nice invitation sent with the following subject line “Subject: Sent on behalf of Dr. Noah Hahn: Please Join us for a Bladder Cancer Patient and Family Program”

now, I have been living in a state of frustration, not knowing if I going to live or die.  This is sent from my Medical Oncologist and intended for the patient.  I read into this (my mistake, admittedly) that this was something that patients of Dr. Hahn needed to know.  WRONG!  I truly don’t know who the audience was made up of but it was surely not Dr. Hahn’s patients.

There was a panel of the doctors and administrators of the cancer center, the benefactors, and a surviving patient.  Each had something to say which was filmed.  The “stars” were so busy patting each other on the back and presenting pie-in-the-sky ideas, it was a total waste of my time.

I have to admit that the catered box lunch was good!

So I wasted 1/2 a day (traveling & attending), got no answers to MY issues, given no hope for survival, listened to the doctor in charge of my case kiss up to Big Pharma and ended up in total frustration ith fumes coming out of my ears! Basically, confirmation that they don’t give a shit about the patient who is only the excuse for a grant!